Hierarchy of Happiness

By Jaime Willis

Yesterday, a few coaches and I were talking about how to help our clients improve their lives and increase their happiness.  Because happiness is such a personal and not-well-defined concept, it is hard for people to figure out how to achieve it.

You can easily tell me what you don't like:  living in a small town, working for a micro-manager, dating a cheater, friends that don't call you back, turn signals, but it harder to identify the real-world situations that would give your life daily happiness and contentment. (I say real world, because it is fairly easy for us to all imagine how we would live if we won the lottery, but the odds of this experience are unlikely, and who wants to pin their potential happiness on a roll of the dice?)

I certainly don't have all the answers myself, but here's my guesses as to what makes people happy, in order of priority:

1) Basic Needs Met.  It's hard to stay happy if you are thirsty, hungry, or tired, or ill.  It's hard to be happy if you are constantly worried about getting kicked out of your house, getting your phone shut off, or if you don't have enough money to wash and buy new clothes.   Until you are able to take care of yourself (and your family, if you have one) on the most basic level, your happiness will likely suffer.

Interestingly, though, this threshold is very low.  You don't have to live extravagantly or be able to eat out every night of the week to be happy -- plenty of folks with tight budgets meet their needs every month and feel no pain in doing so.  My sister-in-law and brother are great examples of this -- my brother is a pastor and my sister-in-law works part time.  They are frugal, but they lack for none of the basics in their lives and are satisfied with what they do have.

2) Passion and Purpose.  I think it is hard to be happy if you don't feel like your life has direction or meaning.  As humans, we have a need to be needed, and a need to be a part of something larger than ourselves.  For some people, this passion and purpose is grounded by their religious beliefs, for others, it's grounded by their internal moral compass and life experience.

Figuring out your "who" is a critical component to your happiness.  Who are you?  What do you believe in?  How to you want to express that?  This sense of purpose is energizing and can build your energy and zest for life.  Once you figure out who you are, you are then ready to build healthy connections with others.

3) Connection.   A social worker once showed me her definition of the ideal relationship.  She raised both her right and left hand and made "Peace" signs (index and middle fingers raised, ring and pinky fingers touching your thumbs).  Then she overlapped each hands index finger to make a "W" sign.   Each peace sign or V was one person in a relationship.  The overlap was the parts of your life that you shared with each other.  Her point was that healthy (and happy) relationships (with family, friends, or significant others) don't "complete" you, they just add to your experience.

A friend of mine is fond of saying, "you don't get all your nuts from the same tree."  Same idea -- humans crave connection with each other -- we need a variety of relationships with our friends, with our family, and with our partners to fulfill our lives and help bring us meaning.

This may not be an exhaustive list, but I think it's a good start to finding your way to happiness.  

Do People Get You?

-by Matt Leedham

The human need for belonging is strong.

In fact, you may be familiar with Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs which clearly describes his theory on the importance of love and belonging to the human psyche. In 1943, Maslow first introduced his thoughts on human motivation and behavior. After physiological needs (i.e. what humans need to survive), and safety and security needs, the human need for love and belonging exists. When this need is not met, one cannot achieve higher levels of understanding such as self-esteem and self-actualization.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

We often seek the understanding of others. We seek to connect and belong. We build relationships and join groups. On the positive side, we may join clubs or sports teams. On the wrong end of things, we may join gangs or other destructive groups. The need is so strong, especially at childhood, that it sometimes over-rides “the need for safety and security as witnessed in children who cling to their abusive parents (sometimes called Stockholm Syndrome).” (Wikipedia)

As I coach more and more (and get coached more and more by others), I am discovering that the very basic need of ‘being understood’ is not being met. All too often, we do not feel heard by others. We either don’t have people in our lives to express ourselves to, or we have people in our lives that have not been trained to just listen, acknowledge and appreciate our experiences.

Do people get you? I mean, really understand where you’re coming from?

Do people feel understood by you? Are you a good listener?

Here’s an example with two possible responses. Let’s say you go up to a friend and say something like:
“I’m so frustrated. I have so much that I want to get done, not enough time, and yet I still catch myself wasting time on stupid stuff. Then I feel guilty for falling behind, which makes me more frustrated with myself.”

Response 1: “I totally understand. That happens to me all the time. Don’t get frustrated with yourself – that’s silly. Just make a list of everything you need to get done, carve out some time to do it, and try to shut off all technology so you can focus. You’ll be done in no time!”

Sounds like a good friend, no? Sure it does – all good intentions here. But how about this:

Response 2: “Wow, it sounds like you have a lot going on right now. It’s completely normal to be feeling overwhelmed when you’ve got so much you want to accomplish but just can’t seem to get it all done. Why do you think you procrastinate and waste time on less important things?”

Aha! I don’t know about you, but I would feel heard! Understood, even.

At the foundation of the 2^nd response is a genuine respect for the other person. Not only are you validating and appreciating the way they feel, but you are honoring their ability to sort out their own problems. This is ultimately more impactful and long-lasting than trying to solve their problems for them.

People may not “get you” yet, but I think there are two things you can do to help yourself.

1. Be a good listener to others and appreciate their need to feel heard and understood. You will soon find yourself being genuinely listened to more often. Remember, energy attracts like energy.
2. Train your friends and loved ones to offer up the 2^nd response above before giving advice or trying to solve your problems. If being heard and understood is not enough in a specific situation, you always have the option of asking for their advice and opinions.

From our end, we believe very strongly that you have in you what it takes to be successful and happy. If you ever feel that you need to be heard, email us for a complimentary coaching session!