By Jaime Willis
Yesterday, a few coaches and I were talking about how to help our clients improve their lives and increase their happiness. Because happiness is such a personal and not-well-defined concept, it is hard for people to figure out how to achieve it.
You can easily tell me what you don't like: living in a small town, working for a micro-manager, dating a cheater, friends that don't call you back, turn signals, but it harder to identify the real-world situations that would give your life daily happiness and contentment. (I say real world, because it is fairly easy for us to all imagine how we would live if we won the lottery, but the odds of this experience are unlikely, and who wants to pin their potential happiness on a roll of the dice?)
I certainly don't have all the answers myself, but here's my guesses as to what makes people happy, in order of priority:
1) Basic Needs Met. It's hard to stay happy if you are thirsty, hungry, or tired, or ill. It's hard to be happy if you are constantly worried about getting kicked out of your house, getting your phone shut off, or if you don't have enough money to wash and buy new clothes. Until you are able to take care of yourself (and your family, if you have one) on the most basic level, your happiness will likely suffer.
Interestingly, though, this threshold is very low. You don't have to live extravagantly or be able to eat out every night of the week to be happy -- plenty of folks with tight budgets meet their needs every month and feel no pain in doing so. My sister-in-law and brother are great examples of this -- my brother is a pastor and my sister-in-law works part time. They are frugal, but they lack for none of the basics in their lives and are satisfied with what they do have.
2) Passion and Purpose. I think it is hard to be happy if you don't feel like your life has direction or meaning. As humans, we have a need to be needed, and a need to be a part of something larger than ourselves. For some people, this passion and purpose is grounded by their religious beliefs, for others, it's grounded by their internal moral compass and life experience.
Figuring out your "who" is a critical component to your happiness. Who are you? What do you believe in? How to you want to express that? This sense of purpose is energizing and can build your energy and zest for life. Once you figure out who you are, you are then ready to build healthy connections with others.
3) Connection. A social worker once showed me her definition of the ideal relationship. She raised both her right and left hand and made "Peace" signs (index and middle fingers raised, ring and pinky fingers touching your thumbs). Then she overlapped each hands index finger to make a "W" sign. Each peace sign or V was one person in a relationship. The overlap was the parts of your life that you shared with each other. Her point was that healthy (and happy) relationships (with family, friends, or significant others) don't "complete" you, they just add to your experience.
A friend of mine is fond of saying, "you don't get all your nuts from the same tree." Same idea -- humans crave connection with each other -- we need a variety of relationships with our friends, with our family, and with our partners to fulfill our lives and help bring us meaning.
This may not be an exhaustive list, but I think it's a good start to finding your way to happiness.
Yesterday, a few coaches and I were talking about how to help our clients improve their lives and increase their happiness. Because happiness is such a personal and not-well-defined concept, it is hard for people to figure out how to achieve it.
You can easily tell me what you don't like: living in a small town, working for a micro-manager, dating a cheater, friends that don't call you back, turn signals, but it harder to identify the real-world situations that would give your life daily happiness and contentment. (I say real world, because it is fairly easy for us to all imagine how we would live if we won the lottery, but the odds of this experience are unlikely, and who wants to pin their potential happiness on a roll of the dice?)
I certainly don't have all the answers myself, but here's my guesses as to what makes people happy, in order of priority:
1) Basic Needs Met. It's hard to stay happy if you are thirsty, hungry, or tired, or ill. It's hard to be happy if you are constantly worried about getting kicked out of your house, getting your phone shut off, or if you don't have enough money to wash and buy new clothes. Until you are able to take care of yourself (and your family, if you have one) on the most basic level, your happiness will likely suffer.
Interestingly, though, this threshold is very low. You don't have to live extravagantly or be able to eat out every night of the week to be happy -- plenty of folks with tight budgets meet their needs every month and feel no pain in doing so. My sister-in-law and brother are great examples of this -- my brother is a pastor and my sister-in-law works part time. They are frugal, but they lack for none of the basics in their lives and are satisfied with what they do have.
2) Passion and Purpose. I think it is hard to be happy if you don't feel like your life has direction or meaning. As humans, we have a need to be needed, and a need to be a part of something larger than ourselves. For some people, this passion and purpose is grounded by their religious beliefs, for others, it's grounded by their internal moral compass and life experience.
Figuring out your "who" is a critical component to your happiness. Who are you? What do you believe in? How to you want to express that? This sense of purpose is energizing and can build your energy and zest for life. Once you figure out who you are, you are then ready to build healthy connections with others.
3) Connection. A social worker once showed me her definition of the ideal relationship. She raised both her right and left hand and made "Peace" signs (index and middle fingers raised, ring and pinky fingers touching your thumbs). Then she overlapped each hands index finger to make a "W" sign. Each peace sign or V was one person in a relationship. The overlap was the parts of your life that you shared with each other. Her point was that healthy (and happy) relationships (with family, friends, or significant others) don't "complete" you, they just add to your experience.
A friend of mine is fond of saying, "you don't get all your nuts from the same tree." Same idea -- humans crave connection with each other -- we need a variety of relationships with our friends, with our family, and with our partners to fulfill our lives and help bring us meaning.
This may not be an exhaustive list, but I think it's a good start to finding your way to happiness.
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