Forgiving the Past

-By Jaime Willis

The other day, I had an opportunity to read an article about some of the amazing accomplishments of one of my high school classmates, Kristy Marshall. Kristy, her twin sister Kara, and I all graduated from high school the same year. Kristy was born with Poland Syndrome, which means that she is missing most of her right hand.

In the article I linked to above, I learned that not only has Kristy gone on to play college sports, but also run multiple marathons and complete several triathlons and even a half Ironman! Not content with even those amazing accomplishments, Kristy began working with a CrossFit training program that, for the first time in her life, allowed her to fully use her right arm during workouts with the help of a prosthetic device. Amazing! I am so awed by her accomplishments!

In another article, Kristy mentions that she was teased about her hand as a child and that spurred her to compete in sports. Obviously, things worked out very well for Kristy, but I was struck by that one sentence. I knew Kristy growing up and, although we weren't close, I had no idea that anyone in our school had ever made fun of her. The Kristy I remember was loud and funny and known for her athleticism. Kristy was so good natured about her hand, whom she named Stubby, it was hard to remember that she was different from us at all.

How many of us have some harrowing experience in our own childhoods that we are carrying around in one form or another to this day?

What is so interesting to me is that you very rarely get the chance to go back into the past and see how different your perception of events were with reality.

I moved into my hometown when I was in 5th grade - my parents wanted my brother and I to attend a more rigorous school system. We'd come from a small farming town where half the student body were migrant farm workers' kids who spoke Spanish at home and half were blue-collar white families whose parents worked hard and went to church every Sunday.

East Grand Rapids was a huge culture shock to me. In fifth grade, everyone had already been attending school with the same kids for years and had made close-knit groups of friends - I was an outsider. Many of my peers parents were professionals - doctors, lawyers, and accountants, and as a result, materialism was rampant. I didn't have Guess jeans, Varnet France T-shirts, or an Espirit bag. I didn't fit in. I spent my entire 'career' at East erecting a huge emotional wall between me and my classmates. I wouldn't like them first, so it wouldn't matter if they didn't like me or I didn't fit in. I soothed myself with food and the weight gain did nothing to mitigate my attitude towards my classmates.

My Grandparents and I at my high school graduation.

I spent a lot of time blaming East. Those people were stuck up. Those people were mean. But you know what? I was distant and snarky and never gave anyone a chance. Looking back, there were some really nice girls that I should have become friends with, who were never mean to me and who tried to include me. I wonder how different my life would have been had I allowed them to get to know me? If I had been more geniune in school -- the funny, loud, smart-alecky leader I was in other parts of my life, instead of the brooding, distant bookworm I was at school.



I wonder how different all of our lives would be if we had taken the time to think the best of each other while we were in school, instead of assuming the worst?

I thought I'd take a moment to share a few positive impressions I had of my classmates - it certainly won't help their teenage selves, but maybe it'll serve as a reminder and validation that we are all amazing and unique and worthy.

Jessica Edwards (Maddox)

Jessica, Homecoming Court Yearbook photo

While I was one of the least popular kids in school, Jessica was one of the most. She made homecoming court, she was breathtakingly pretty, and she never played the part of a Mean Girl. The strongest memory I have of Jessica is during speech class. We each had to get up in front our entire speech class and give a presentations all semester long. For many, the fear of public speaking was only exacerbated by the thought of 25 of your peers having minutes worth of quotes with which to mock you for the rest of the day, week, or semester, depending on the egregiousness of your infraction.

It was in this high-stakes environment that Jessica chose to give a speech on why teens should not lose their virginity before marriage. I vividly remember her using duct tape to show how sex was less and less important the more people you shared it with - she applied a strip of duct tape to the first poor kids arm in class and ripped it off, but by the fifth or sixth kid, the duct tape wouldn't even stick to their arms. I was so impressed Jessica was brave enough to speak her mind and morals in front of her peers, that I have literally never forgotten the speech.

John (Jack) Becker

John, with signature hat, at HS Pep Rally

In our senior year, the smarty pants English kids got the privilege of taking AP English with Mrs. Ann Mitchell. Mrs. Mitchell was as known for her fun lessons as she was for her difficult assignments. She taught me my favorite vocabulary word, perspicacious. She also gave me my first and only marking-period D in my high school career for lying about being sick in order to get an extra day to turn in a paper -- a story that lives in infamy in my family. For one assignment in her class towards the end of the year, we were to give some sort of presentation.

When it was John's turn to present, he went out into the hallway and came back with a full upright piano! John was an athletic guy - the captain of the school hockey team - and he was rarely without his Navy ball cap. To me, there was never any doubt in John's mind what came after high school - the Navy was it. So no one was more surprised than me to see John sit down to the piano and begin playing Pachelbel's Canon* for our class. What a phenomenal talent and a pleasant surprise! I'm not shocked at all to learn that he is now a professional musician with a sizable following.

*My memory of the actual piece he played is dim - I remember it was classical and impressive.
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As you think back on your own past - wonder how different your interpretation of those events would be if you were there now. No matter your past, it's done. We are only guaranteed the present, so let's make the best of each and every moment we are alive.

Don't Let the APE Get You!

-by Matt Leedham

Have you ever told yourself a story? Literally, have you ever talked to yourself and told yourself a wild tale?

Letting your imagination fly and telling yourself fantastical stories isn’t just for children. Adults do it all the time. The difference is, kids usually know when they’re making stuff up!

Whether you know it or not, there are APES chasing you every day. Your assumptions, perceptions, and expectations of what is happening, is not happening, or “should” be happening form your APE.

Assumption is defined as “a thing that is assumed to be true.”
Perception is defined as “a way of understanding or interpreting something.”
Expectation is defined as “belief that something will happen or be the case.”

Let’s take a look at how an APE can attack at work:

You spend two weeks working on a sales proposal for a potential client. You’ve had a couple of pleasant interactions up to this point and your contact has been very responsive over email. When you submit the proposal, you are expecting (and wanting) immediate feedback, which would be completely reasonable based on previous response times. Instead, you hear nothing and it’s been four days.

This scenario can happen all the time to those in sales. How you respond to it can make all the difference between being successful (and happy) in your sales role, or being mediocre (and anxious) in your sales role.

It’s quite natural to expect a reasonable response time, which to you may mean in under 48 hours. It’s perfectly normal to assume that because you haven’t heard back from the potential client, that they must not be interested. Perhaps you even interpreted this response to me that your proposal was awful…that they must have hated it!

But rather than letting your mind run wild on you and creating all sorts of unwanted emotions and feelings about something you know very little about, let’s take a different approach.

If you’re going to make guesses at interpreting the situation, why not interpret positively, instead of negatively? Perhaps the potential client was SO impressed with the proposal that they immediately walked into the CEO’s office to show her your offer. Perhaps the CEO was so impressed that she pulled in the CFO to tweak the budget to find more money to buy what you’re selling. Tweaking the budget takes time – that’s the cause of the delay!

Not only is this a more fun way to approach your APE, but it also keeps you positive and engaged. With your new interpretation of the situation, how difficult will it be to call up the potential client and see what’s going on? I’d be eager to call!

Here are some questions to ponder when you find yourself being bombarded by an APE.

• Why is this situation important to me?
• What stories am I telling myself?
• What actual data do I have to support that story?
• What other explanations might there be? (Try to come up with more than one alternative)
• What is the result I want?
• What are my options to move forward?

Asking yourself these questions will completely reframe your thought pattern about what may or may not be going on. Don’t just stop at work. How else might this reframing help you? Relationships, personal goals, daily interactions with other people?

It is very empowering when you face the APE. It will change the way you view the world!

Believe it.