Why Are You Working So Hard?

-by Matt Leedham

Hustle, hustle, hustle. Busy, busy, busy!

Do you ever stop for a moment and ask yourself how you got so busy? I don’t know about you, but when look back on my life, I’ve exponentially gotten busier and busier. Yet I have not exponentially increased anything – not wealth, not happiness, not fulfillment, not meaning or purpose.

So what’s the deal? We work harder and harder, push ourselves farther and farther, and spread ourselves thinner and thinner. But for what?

We all have choices. Sometimes we convince ourselves that we don’t by saying things like, “I can’t just work less,” or “I can’t completely change directions after all these years.”

Actually, you can. But you choose not to.

What’s the “why” behind that choice? That’s the question. Are you staying busy because of a value or priority, or are you doing it for someone else? Are you doing it to feel important, or are you already important, regardless of what you do?

Some people work hard because they need the money. I look at the cleaning staff that comes into my office around 5:30pm to pick up trash and tidy things up. I know that it’s their 2^nd, or in some cases, 3^rd job. They’ve got families to support, and working multiple jobs brings in the money they need to make ends meet.

But when you think about it for a minute, even those that “need” the money, are making a choice to work that hard. They could choose to have one job (or no job), and not make enough money to feed and clothe their families. Instead, they choose to work hard. Their choice is not about staying busy or feeling important. It’s grounded in their values and priorities. They sacrifice their own personal enjoyment so that their kids can have a good education and have even more choices. That seems like a motivating and inspiring reason to work hard.

What’s your inspiration for working so hard?

Who are you doing it for? What are you doing it for?

Driving in Korea

-by Matt Leedham

We all live by a certain set of rules.  We may not even realize what rules we've set for ourselves, but they're there.  And they can be highly limiting if we remain unaware.

Some rules have been set by our societal influences.  For example, men may feel pressure to be the bread winner in a relationship.  Similarly, women may feel pressure to be the caregiver.

Some rules have been set by our local or national governments.  Stealing, for example, is illegal in almost every society I am aware of.  Also, if there are roads and cars, stopping at red lights is usually a rule.

And some rules have been set in our minds by us, based on the experiences we have lived through.  Some people may think that they're not cut out to be successful in business because they aren't savvy or smart enough, or think that success in business and a happy family life are not compatible.  Some may think that they aren't witty enough, or funny enough, or good looking enough to be in a successful relationship.

Let me tell you something about rules that I learned in Korea.  They are at minimum negotiable, and at best breakable.

Driving in Korea is not nearly as exhilarating as driving in Turkey, India, or Costa Rica, but it is a great example of a modern nation with completely negotiable rules.  

Stopping at a red light?  Not guaranteed.

Yielding to pedestrians in a crosswalk?  Absolutely not.

The stop lights look the same (sort of).  And the crosswalks and pedestrian signs resemble that of the U.S.  So , what's the difference?

My interpretation is that societal pressures to conform in that way are not there.  And without the societal norm forcing others into submission, people started creating their own rules.

If you live in the DC area, you are familiar with the Beltway.  If you're not, the Beltway is a highway that surrounds the DC metro area in a big circle.  The speed limit is 55 miles per hour (mph).  The minimum speed limit is 35 mph.  But what happens when you are driving 48 mph?  Angry drivers are on you like white on rice, honking their horn, flashing there lights, or (if they are kind), speed up and zip around you like an Formula 1 race car driver.

Why do they do this?  It's perfectly legal to drive 48 mph on the Beltway.  What gives?

The problem is, by driving 48 mph, you are breaking an unwritten, societal norm (rule).  The herd is trying to force you back into submission by sending both aggressive and passive aggressive signals your way.

So, if Koreans can drive on the shoulder and run a red light without any problem, and if you don't like being forced into submission by societal pressures, what rules can you break?  

Don't get me wrong, and please don't break any laws.  But take a moment to examine the written and unwritten rules that govern your life.  What purpose are they serving?  Are they benefiting you and others?  What if you decided to rewrite one of those rules?  Or throw one out altogether?  

If given a chance, what new rule could you create for yourself?  Would it be one that limits you?  Or one that serves you, allows you to live by your values, and moves you toward your vision?

As always, the choice is yours.

The Tyranny of "Or"

-by Matt Leedham

Last week I heard an expression for the first time:

“Reject the tyranny of ‘or’ and embrace the genius of ‘and.’”

I can’t get this out of my mind lately and as I’ve shared it with a few people, they seem to gravitate and latch onto it too. Why? My guess is that many of us find ourselves limiting our solutions, possibilities, and outcomes with this A or B type thinking, and it feels restrictive.

The concept is similar to something I’ve been saying for the last six months when clients or friends, or anyone really, present a challenge, and then finish with “So, I can either do this, or this…”

My response? “So, you’ve presented me with Option A and Option B. That’s a tough choice.” And they nod in agreement.

And then from me, the punch line: “You know, there are 24 other letters in the alphabet.”

Why just limit yourself to two choices? How about Option C, D, E, F, G, H, etc.? Let’s get creative here. If you’re going to make a choice between options, let’s really get all of the options on the table.

The genius of “and” comes in when you get deeper into the alphabet and Option L is simply a combination of Option D and H. With a combination lock, the choices in the combination of numbers to choose from goes up exponentially every time you add one more possible number. For example, a 2-digit lock with numbers 0-9 has 100 possible combinations. A 3-digit lock has 1,000 possible combinations. And 4-digit lock has 10,000 possible combinations. You can apply the same logic to your options and come with an abundance of choices.

This can come out in a variety of ways:

1. “To lose weight, I have to stop going out with my friends or exercise for 2 hours a day.”
2. “To run a business, I can either be nice or make a profit.”
3. “To buy a new home, I have to save 20% or risk all my assets.”
4. “To change careers, I have to save 6 months of expenses or find a higher paying job.”
5. “To train for a marathon/triathlon/race, I have to give up sleep or give up my social life.”

Clearly, these aren’t the only options. There are other ways to procure a home without having to put 20% down or risk everything else you own. There are ways to incorporate nutrition and exercise in your diet without sacrificing your personal/social relationships.

When you read this as an objective 3^rd party, this may all seem very clear to you. The challenge is when you are stuck in “the forest” of your life, and can’t see past the trees. In those moments, you sometimes forget that there are more options then “go left” or “go right.”

Tip: Talk to people about your goals, share your ideas and challenges, and get external feedback. Many times, someone else’s perspective is enough to defeat the tyranny of “or” and get you to the genius of “and.”

Choice of Thought

-by Matt Leedham

It has been said by some that an average adult in the U.S. makes over 10,000 decisions a day. I’ve even heard estimates as high as 35,000 decisions. Research has actually shown that adults will make just over 226 decisions a day about food alone.¹ The exact number of total decisions is not clear, but it's safe to say that we make a lot of decisions everyday (although if you are aware of research that makes it more clear, please leave a comment).

I’m fascinated by this topic because it astounds me. There is so much going on behind the scenes that it’s hard to keep up with. One way to “own your own experience” is to be clear on your personal core values and trust that the decisions you make, including the subconscious ones, will be at the very least driven by your values. I wrote about this here (amazingly, almost a year ago).

More than how my food decisions are driven by more core values, I am now consumed with choice of thought. This has become my primary focus lately as I have learned two things this past year:

1. Since I cannot control the external world around me, including any person within it, my thoughts are, indeed, the only thing I can control.
2. There is a “secret” formula to changing behavior, achieving success, and being fulfilled.

“Secrets?” you may ask. Don’t you just LOVE secrets?!

As I work with clients, this formula is always a discussion topic in the beginning, and is often the focal point of our work.

The point is that while our thoughts drive our emotions, it is our emotions that drive our actions. The key for all of us is to understand and examine our core thought at any given time so that it becomes a choice rather than an “external fact.” By being aware, or conscious, of the core thought inherently makes you able to choose whether to accept that thought or choose another one that is more beneficial to you.

This formula is applicable is so many scenarios. Are you dealing with a challenge that you can’t seem to figure out? Are you dealing with someone at work that is pushing your buttons? Do you want to start a business (or write a book, or find a life partner, or change careers, or lose weight, or…)?

When reflecting on your challenge, ask yourself the following 3 questions:

1. What is the thought that keeps replaying in my mind, over and over again?
2. When I have this thought, what feelings am I experiencing?
3. When I feel this way, what actions to I typically take?

Let’s use the example of changing careers. It’s not uncommon for someone to be unhappy in their job and want to find a new path. Often times I will hear something like, “I am so unsatisfied and want to make a change. But I have bills to pay at home and can’t risk any missed income or a lower salary. Plus I’ve been in this job for so long that I don’t think I have enough experience to do this other thing I want to do.”

What is the core thought that they are replaying in their mind?

Core Thought(s): “I don’t have what it takes to make this change happen. I’m not good enough to figure this out, so I’m not going to try.”

Now, if you had this core thought, how would you be feeling? Here’s how I would feel:

Core Emotion(s): Helpless, frustrated, dejected.

Now, if you were feeling this way right now, what are some typical ways you might behave? Here’s what I would do:

Core Action(s): Take no action, accept my current state of dissatisfaction, complain about my situation.

Now, here’s the power of this formula. Let’s do a “thought pattern interrupt.” If you could, what thought would you like to have when thinking about this challenge? Here’s how I would like to think:

Core Thought(s): I deliver value to my employer and clients. I am competent and hardworking. I deserve to find a career that is both satisfying and rewarding to me, and valuable to my employer.

Now, if you had this core thought, how would you be feeling? Here’s how I would feel:

Core Emotion(s): Empowered, hopeful, confident.

Now, if you were feeling this way right now, what are some typical ways you might behave? Here’s what I would do:

Core Action(s): Analyze my situation, prepare my personal situation for change, reach out to others for help and connections, do some research, and confidently display my value to others.

You see, by catching the process in the beginning at the core thought, you can completely interrupt the negative cycle and choose new ways to think, feel, and act.

This is the basis for change, for growth, and for fulfillment. Examine your thoughts…you may be surprise at what you find.

----------------

¹ Wansink, Brian and Jeffrey Sobal (2007), “Mindless Eating: The 200 Daily Food Decisions We Overlook,” Environment and Behavior 39:1, 106-123.

I'm late, I'm late...

-By Jaime Willis

Good Afternoon!

This week has really been a blur of activity for me. The morning got away with me, and I am now typing this frantically between two meetings. There is so much abundance in my life right now, it's hard to keep up -- what a happy problem to have!

When you find yourself short on time, make sure the work you are focused on is aligned with your values and vision for your future. There are only twenty-four hours in the day, so time management really becomes CHOICE management. What are you choosing to do with your time? Are your current choices aligned with your goals for your future?

If not, don't spend time beating yourself up about it, just be aware that you always have the ability to make a different choice next time.

Have a wonderful day and make conscious choices!

Weekly Wednesday Inspiration #16

-By Jaime Willis

Made by Erin Cooper of www.pippinandpearl.com

Buyer's Remorse

-by Matt Leedham

Do you ever experience buyer’s remorse? It’s that dreadful feeling after you’ve purchased something that maybe you shouldn’t have. Or when you feel that you may have overpaid for something.

The problem with buyer’s remorse is that most people wallow in regret. That’s a dangerous place to spend your time if you’re trying to avoid negativity.

Simple example: This weekend my wife and I went to a housewarming for my brother and sister-in-law. We stopped by a Korean bakery and picked up a number of items, including two cakes. We were running a little late, so it was a quick transaction. As we’re getting into the car, my wife says, “oh no.” When I inquired what was the matter, she informed me that we just spent $40 on a 10-inch sweet potato cake.

Immediate Reaction: Buyer’s remorse!

Ongoing Reaction: Regret. The next 5 minutes in the car was about regretting the purchase.

Mental Intervention: How can you flip this on its head? We’re not going to return the cake. That’s just silly. So, the money has been spent and there’s no getting it back. The only option is to enjoy the HECK out of this cake! From that point on, I couldn’t wait to share this “golden” cake with everyone, and personally savor every last bite.

Result: We chuckled about it the rest of the way in the car. And we imagined how delicious the cake would be. Plus, it was the nicest cake they have – how appropriate for a joyous celebration of someone’s new house!

In the End: The sweet potato cake was consumed in seconds upon cutting it up. It was a hit! And we REALLY enjoyed our slice. J

What's your Korean sweet potato cake right now? How can you flip your situation on its head? Remember, everything is a choice. There are no mistakes, only choices. And you can choose to define something as good or bad. There are many ways to look at the same thing, so why not choose a positive, optimistic perspective?

Press Reset

-by Matt Leedham

Have you ever noticed that the decisions you make tend to have momentum? Sometimes things "come in three's," or you can just get on a roll, right?

When I ask this, most people assume I mean positive momentum. Meaning, good decisions tend to lead to other good decisions. This is true.

But the inverse is also true. Negative momentum exists as well. Poor decisions can lead to more poor decisions. If unchecked, this can snowball into a poor choices over time and lead to a poor lifestyle.

Jaime often gives a great example that a lot of us, both male and female, struggle with. Most of us are on a quest to have a healthy diet. What happens when you indulge and succumb to temptation? What happens when you go out to dinner for a friend’s birthday and don’t turn down the ‘death by chocolate’ piece of cake?

It’s easy to tell yourself, “ah, I’ve already screwed up my diet today, what’s another piece of cake…or glass of wine…or…?” And before you know it, one poor decision leads to another and by the end of the week, your diet is in the trashcan and you’re just operating at the whim of your temptations.

Same thing goes for drinking alcohol. If you have one too many at night, what does your breakfast tend to look like the next morning? If you’re anything like me, it’s fried! That’s right, anything that’s been sitting in oil in a frying pan all of a sudden has a great, big, blinking billboard on it saying “EAT ME!”

Last example that I see all too often: you decide to not step out of your comfort zone and apply for that promotion. Or maybe you talk yourself out of approaching that attractive guy or girl. These little decisions, which may be well justified in your mind, can sometimes add up and create an inner culture of defeat. Over time, it can affect your confidence.

This isn’t just a week-to-week issue. I’ve met people that have built up this negative momentum over years. You can imagine how ingrained this pattern of decision making can be. How they’ve now convinced themselves that they can’t make other choices. That they’re not FULLY in control.

The key to avoiding this negative momentum is to press the reset button. It’s to put the breaks on the whole decision making pattern you’ve started to adopt, and realize 2 truths:

1. There IS a reset button…all you have to do is push it.
2. You DO have a choice…you can push it, or you can choose not to.

I’ve had the opportunity to work with a few life/executive coaches over the years, and this is one of the more powerful benefits. That is, a) they can often recognize the negative momentum going on in your life, b) inform you that a reset button exists, and c) challenge you to push it.

So, what do you think? Are you ready to take control and reverse any negative momentum in your life? Are you ready to push the reset button?

Choose Your Path

-by Matt Leedham

“I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I see now that I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

I read this quote the other day and it really struck me (and made me chuckle). All too often, the clients we work with have no specific vision of who they want to be or what they want for themselves. Understandably, we fall prey to the commitments and responsibilities of our lives, compromising our own wants and needs. We fail to see, with specificity, the path that will lead in a direction of our choosing. Sometimes we don’t even realize we have a choice.

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there.” – Lewis Carroll

If you don’t choose a path for yourself, one will be chosen for you. It will usually be the path of least resistance, or a path of someone else’s choosing. Be specific in what you want, focus on it, and it will begin to materialize. Here are some tips for choosing your own path:

1. Reflect on your Core Values. No core values?
2. Close your eyes and begin to create your Painted Picture.
3. Write it down in as much detail as possible.
4. Share it with at least one person (the scary, but highly effective part).
5. Glance at your vision once/day for 3 months, occasionally modifying it if necessary.

If you do this, you are now beginning to choose your own path. What you will see happen over the next few months may seem strange. You may notice a lot of “coincidences” and may even feel “lucky” at times. Opportunities may present themselves in ways they’ve never appeared before. Grab each one of these moments and make the most of it. Great things are about to happen...

Enjoy the ride!

Victim vs. Victory

-by Matt Leedham

The world isn’t always a fair place. Life’s tough. Sometimes bad things happen. We all have our crosses to bear and baggage to carry with us on our journey.

It’s easy to slip into a victim state of mind…as if everything in life is just happening to you. As if you are at the effect of life, rather than at the cause of it.

We’re here to tell you that you have a choice. You can choose to be a victim or you can choose confront your fears and your “circumstances.” You can choose to fight.

I know what you’re thinking. This doesn’t apply to you. Your burden is too great to bear. You were dealt a really tough hand in life and it’s hard. You’re not smart enough, or rich enough, or thin enough, or aggressive enough, or confident enough to achieve that one big dream you have in the back of your mind. Maybe you didn't have the best role models growing up, or someone was constantly putting you down until you believed them. Maybe you're dealing with an illness or physical impairment. There are a million things that can hold us back from reaching our potential. But these million things will only block you from success if you give them permission.

Let’s look at a true story of a young girl that chose not to be a victim. But instead chose to be victorious. Her name is Bethany Hamilton. Born in 1990 on the Island of Kauai in Hawaii, she has been a surfer her entire life. Even at the young age of 8, she was competing in the sport she loved.

On Halloween morning of 2003, at just 13 years of age, Bethany was brutally attacked by a 14-foot tiger shark off the North Coast of Kauai while surfing with friends. Her left arm was severed instantly and she lost over 60% of her blood. Her friends quickly got her ashore and found medical help. Miraculously, she survived the trip to the hospital and was able to avoid infection.

Six days later, Bethany walked out of the hospital. And just one month later, she was back in the water surfing. Her passion for surfing and competing was just too strong. Her dream to surf professionally and do what she loved every day would not fade.

What she received in return for her persistence, drive, passion, and positivity was far more than anything she could dream about.

Did she become a professional surfer?

Let’s put it this way – 3 months after the attack, Bethany entered her first competition and placed 5^th. One year later, she snagged 1^st place in the Explorer Women’s division of the 2005 NSSA National Championships – winning her first National Title. Two years later, Bethany turned pro with sponsors and ASP World Tour events.

But that’s not all…

In 2004, Bethany wrote her first of 9 books, an autobiography, entitled Soul Surfer: A True Story of Faith, Family, and Fighting to Get Back on the Board">Soul Surfer. In case you’ve missed the commercials, it’s being made into a major motion picture and will be released on April 8, 2011.

When approaching her father for help in training to become a one-armed professional surfer, he responds, “It’s not going to be easy.” Her response?

“I don’t need easy. I just need possible.”

That is not the language of a victim. Those are the words of a young woman that is aware of her situation, but is determined to win anyway. Bethany knows that she’s at a disadvantage. She knows it’s going to be hard. In fact, she even knows that if she gave up surfing and competing and caring, people would understand. They wouldn’t even push her. But what fun is that?

Victim or Victory? It's your choice. It's always your choice.

An Argument for Core Values

-by Matt Leedham

Of all the topics we cover in our introductory goal setting course, one subject seems to get the most attention. Most of our alumni tell me that using core values to frame goal setting is incredibly powerful.

So, for those of you still not living your life in honor of your core values, let me tell you why you’re missing out. Uncovering your personal core values will help you do the following:

1. Increase Your Sense of Meaning. Core values provide a sense of knowing something greater than your wants and desires. They really get at your needs. Since core values describe your foundation – your guiding principles – they give you a calm sense of meaning and belonging. As much as they describe your uniqueness, they help you understand your role within the world by showing you and others how you can uniquely contribute.
2. Make Better Decisions. Whether you know it or not, you make over 1,000 decisions a day. If it sounds like a lot, it is. What most people don’t understand is that our core values determine many of those decisions. To volunteer or spend time with the family? Both worthy of your time. Core values can you help you prioritize the most important things in your life.
3. Make Better Choices. I view decisions as more reactionary, whereas choices are something you can be proactive about. For example, goal setting is a choice. And your core values are a critical piece of that. There are a million positive paths to choose from – which one will you take and why? Core values are the answer.
4. Increase Your Confidence. This is my favorite part. This is by far the most satisfying piece of having well defined core values. The confidence I have in every decision and choice I make is empowering. When I make a decision based on my core values, I believe with all of my heart that it is the right one, and that feels good. To live your life with intention and purpose is very liberating.
5. Communicate Better. Because your decisions are made with more conviction, your ability to communicate to others is heightened. It becomes very easy to inform others of your decisions and choices because you clearly know why you chose that path or made that decision. Others will see your confident choices and will clearly understand your intent.

Choose to live with intention. Choose to live with purpose. Adopt your core values and own them. Live by them and share them freely. They will guide you down the right path.