Hierarchy of Happiness

By Jaime Willis

Yesterday, a few coaches and I were talking about how to help our clients improve their lives and increase their happiness.  Because happiness is such a personal and not-well-defined concept, it is hard for people to figure out how to achieve it.

You can easily tell me what you don't like:  living in a small town, working for a micro-manager, dating a cheater, friends that don't call you back, turn signals, but it harder to identify the real-world situations that would give your life daily happiness and contentment. (I say real world, because it is fairly easy for us to all imagine how we would live if we won the lottery, but the odds of this experience are unlikely, and who wants to pin their potential happiness on a roll of the dice?)

I certainly don't have all the answers myself, but here's my guesses as to what makes people happy, in order of priority:

1) Basic Needs Met.  It's hard to stay happy if you are thirsty, hungry, or tired, or ill.  It's hard to be happy if you are constantly worried about getting kicked out of your house, getting your phone shut off, or if you don't have enough money to wash and buy new clothes.   Until you are able to take care of yourself (and your family, if you have one) on the most basic level, your happiness will likely suffer.

Interestingly, though, this threshold is very low.  You don't have to live extravagantly or be able to eat out every night of the week to be happy -- plenty of folks with tight budgets meet their needs every month and feel no pain in doing so.  My sister-in-law and brother are great examples of this -- my brother is a pastor and my sister-in-law works part time.  They are frugal, but they lack for none of the basics in their lives and are satisfied with what they do have.

2) Passion and Purpose.  I think it is hard to be happy if you don't feel like your life has direction or meaning.  As humans, we have a need to be needed, and a need to be a part of something larger than ourselves.  For some people, this passion and purpose is grounded by their religious beliefs, for others, it's grounded by their internal moral compass and life experience.

Figuring out your "who" is a critical component to your happiness.  Who are you?  What do you believe in?  How to you want to express that?  This sense of purpose is energizing and can build your energy and zest for life.  Once you figure out who you are, you are then ready to build healthy connections with others.

3) Connection.   A social worker once showed me her definition of the ideal relationship.  She raised both her right and left hand and made "Peace" signs (index and middle fingers raised, ring and pinky fingers touching your thumbs).  Then she overlapped each hands index finger to make a "W" sign.   Each peace sign or V was one person in a relationship.  The overlap was the parts of your life that you shared with each other.  Her point was that healthy (and happy) relationships (with family, friends, or significant others) don't "complete" you, they just add to your experience.

A friend of mine is fond of saying, "you don't get all your nuts from the same tree."  Same idea -- humans crave connection with each other -- we need a variety of relationships with our friends, with our family, and with our partners to fulfill our lives and help bring us meaning.

This may not be an exhaustive list, but I think it's a good start to finding your way to happiness.  

Weekly Wednesday Inspiration #35

By Jaime Willis

HT: retsevi86

Moving Targets

-by Matt Leedham

In 2004, I ran my first marathon. I trained for 5 months, running 5-6 days per week. At my peak training period, I would run 35-45 miles in a week. I really began to enjoy running. I had all the best gear, would meet up with other fellow running junkies, would stay in on Friday nights and be up at 5am on Saturdays to prep for my long runs. I loved running.

On Halloween 2004, I had one of the best experiences of my life. Running that marathon was an incredible learning opportunity. It was my first race and I just remember how awesome the energy was. Everyone was so excited to run and so was I. I had friends there to cheer me on, strangers shouting my name (which was proudly written on my shirt), and people to celebrate with afterward. Then a funny thing happened the next day…

I stopped running.

Literally, I just stopped. I didn’t run again for over a year. Given how into running I was, I look back on it and can’t believe that I stopped. I was disappointed in myself, but never really took the time to examine why that happened.

Years later, I learned that it is quite common for rookie endurance athletes to go on a hiatus because they make one huge mistake. First-timers get so geared up for the race, and train so hard for completing their first marathon (or half-marathon, or triathlon or whatever) that they view it as the finish line, as if it’s the end somehow. They often make no plans for the future – for what will happen after the race. In a running magazine, I read that it’s helpful for a runner to pick their next race while they’re still training for the first one.

So that’s what I did.

Not just with running, which I eventually picked back up and completed my 2^nd marathon in 2010, but with other goals in my life. I would try to pick goals that required about 3-4 months of time and staggered them so that I was constantly striving toward achieving the next big thing.

It worked great! I started to achieve a lot in my career and personal life. I was officially an “achiever!” An over-achiever, some might argue.

Surprisingly though, true happiness eluded me.

In fact, just last night I was speaking with a fellow coach about how my daily routine for the morning has gotten disrupted and I don’t feel as “tuned in” to what I’m doing each day. I began to formulate a plan to create my next 4-month goal so that I can get “back in the game,” get motivated and energized, and go achieve something!

My colleague asked me a simple question. “To what end?”

“What do you mean to what end?” I asked, confused. “To achieve more!”

He replied with calm curiosity, “But why?”

I suddenly didn’t have a great answer. He said, “It sounds like you just want to stick your finger in the socket and get juiced up again, which is understandable because it’s exciting to do and achieve something new.”

He had my attention now, and finished with, “The problem comes when we keep looking 4 months ahead toward the next ‘thing’ we want to accomplish, we forget one very important piece of the puzzle. We forget how we’re living now.”

Actually, the real problem (for me) is surrounding myself with very intelligent and insightful people that call me out on this stuff. Shoot! He was right and I knew it.

In fact, his reminder to me sounded very similar to something I read and wrote about a few months ago, The Happiness Advantage. In his book, and based on his research, author Shawn Achor concludes that most people believe that if they can just achieve that next goal (weight loss, a promotion, buying a house, etc.), that then they will be happy. But once we achieve that goal, our milestones for success get pushed further and further back. We end up chasing happiness because we believe it to be just around the corner.

So, you may be thinking (much like I was last night), that I need to take corrective action. I need to stop spinning my wheels and stop chasing moving targets. I need to focus on my life right now, in this moment. But how?

Luckily, I’ve already written about this. If you want to know what to do next, simply click here!

The Happiness Advantage

-by Matt Leedham

Last week, I had the pleasure of attending an event in LA, hosting 50+ entrepreneurs from the western U.S. To wrap up the day and half of learning, we went to a dinner event in Santa Monica featuring a one hour presentation by none other than Shawn Achor, the guru of positive psychology and author of “The Happiness Advantage.”

I featured Shawn in a post a few weeks ago in December and was very surprised and happy to hear that I would get to meet him in LA.

First impression? This guy is the real deal. I had the opportunity to engage him an interesting conversation about his adventures over the last year traveling, speaking, writing, and consulting. As it turns out, he’s not only talking the talk (backed up with extensive research), but is walking the walk and can speak from experience.

Shawn covered a lot of information, but here are two things I learned:

We’re Doing It Wrong. Can you believe that our perception of happiness is wrong? Most people believe that if they can just achieve that goal, or get that promotion, or lose that weight, that then they’ll be happy. Shawn’s exhaustive research at Harvard and at Fortune 500 firms suggests just the opposite. The problem is that once we achieve a goal, our milestones for achievement get pushed further back because we want to achieve more. Therefore, we're always chasing happiness. However, if you start by focusing on positivity and priming yourself to be happy, you will become more confident, successful, and productive. Invest in yourself first – the ROI is worth it!

Activation Energy. According to Shawn’s research, even the slightest hindrance can prevent you from doing something you know you want to do. The message is, make accomplishing your goals as easy as possible. If you want to work out in the morning, wear your gym clothes to bed. If it’s reading more, put books near your favorite sitting areas or on your bed.

Likewise, use this trick in reverse. If you want to watch less TV, Shawn gave a great example of taking out the batteries of the remote and putting them in the other room. This would mean that he would have to spend the time to go get the batteries and put them in the remote, which he would only do if he REALLY wanted to watch TV. In other words, the activation energy it would take to pick up a book on the coffee table was less than going into the other room to get the remote batteries, so he would read instead of watching TV.

You can read more about ways to stay positive and increase your happiness in the first post I wrote about Shawn's research.

Happy Holidays?

- by Jaime Willis

"As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December's bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same."

- Donald E. Westlake

Ah! The holidays are upon us. In DC, students celebrated Friday as their last day of school for two weeks. The stores are packed with last minute shoppers. The roads and skies are full of folks traveling to the next holiday gathering. In all of this hustle and bustle, there are so many reasons to be stressed and upset--traffic is backed up, your flight is delayed, the perfect gift is sold out, your family is hard to handle, the weight is packing back on as fast as your bank account is dwindling, the list goes on. Maybe now is the time to re-frame and prime so you can ENJOY the season.

There are lots of ways to "Etch-a-Sketch" the holiday stress and focus on the positives.

1) Be Thankful. You may be scowling at the thought of having to listen to one more political rant from your Uncle John or pre-emptively popping the tylenol because your sister's kids have only one setting: LOUD. Instead, be thankful. Be thankful that your family is alive right now to bother you. Be thankful you live in a country where political ranting is protected speech (at least protected under the law--Uncle John may still get a biscuit thrown at his head!) Enjoy their quirkiness. Another blogger I read recently wrote her mantra is "This. Is. It." This is the only life we have, and this is the only moment that is guaranteed. Enjoy it! (At right is me and my nephew having fun with the camera.)

2) Be Forgiving (and For Giving). I took a supershuttle from the airport 45 minutes to my house last night. Every five minutes, the van spit out a monotonal beeping noise for 30 full seconds warning the driver of some critical required repair. For those of you who know me, beeping noises are my kryptonite. I plugged in my iPod and cranked my music, but I could still hear the beeps throughout the drive. I started crafting my complaint email in my head while deciding how little I would tip the driver for such an awful ride. And then, I stopped. The driver's job is hard enough on a normal day, much less with a full vanload of people during the traffic rush. And, he's had to listen to that beeping not just for one ride, but for the entire day! Putting myself in the driver's shoes allowed me to forgive him for his beeping van and also made me tip him extra for his trouble. Forgiving and giving also helped my own attitude!

3) Be Kind. How quickly we get enraged when a driver cuts us off or the person in front of us in line is insufferably slow. Just as easily, however, we can spread love and joy. Try smiling as you walk down the street, or sincerely wishing the cashier a happy holiday. Try laughing when the wait is long. Try making a silly face at the screaming kid in the restaurant. Being kind boosts your own spirit, but is also contagious. Share the love!

4) Take a Breather. Remember that the holidays are not all about breaking the bank to give the perfect gift or making the perfect dessert or even being the perfect hostess or guest. Take a quiet moment to yourself and just breathe. Being perfect isn't the goal. Enjoy the moment for what it is -- imperfections and all. It is a tradition at our house to enjoy a cup of tea while listening to the story "A Cup of Christmas Tea" after our Christmas brunch.

5) Help Someone Else. I used to watch

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition all the time, and it never failed to make me tear up watching an entire town come together to make a family's dreams come true. I read a story about the show recently that really brought the point home. The night before the family was to come home, there are hundreds of people in the house doing everything from painting to landscaping. Most are volunteers from various local charities. When a young woman from "Make a Wish" sidled up to the production staff in a room, they put her right to work painting. After spending most of the evening working with her, they discovered that the woman wasn't from the "Make a Wish" foundation, but a "Make a Wish" recipient with Stage-4 Leukemia. Even in this young woman's darkest hour, she chose to use her "wish" to help others. We should all make an effort to help someone else -- give your time, your resources, or your money and enjoy the gift of giving. (story hat tip: Reddit)

Happy Holidays!

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In the spirit of the season, we have decided to give as well. On Saturday, January 8, 2011, we are doing a five-hour New Year's Resolution Goal Setting Workshop Extravaganza in Washington DC. And we are doing it for 60% off our normal 3-hour workshop price. There are only 60 seats and at $20/seat, they are going to go quickly, so sign up today!

Happiness Is Not The Goal

- by Matt Leedham

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

My friends, I’m afraid he’s right. If you have your sights set on happiness, you’re going to be searching for quite some time.

Happiness is a result.

Feeling happy is what happens when you live your life with purpose and meaning. Happiness occurs when you are grounded in core values that you intentionally act on daily…with conviction.

Happiness is not the goal. It’s a result of living well. Of being part of something bigger than yourself. Of contributing. Of being authentic.

Do these things, and you will one day wake up feeling fulfilled. And happy.

P.S. Same goes for money. Those in search of money will be kept very busy searching for money. Money should not be the goal. Money is typically the result living well, being creative and innovative, working hard, being responsible, and having your priorities straight. Money is the result.

Optimism May Save Your Life

- by Jaime Willis

"It's Impossible," said Pride.

"It's Risky," said Experience.

"It's Pointless," said Reason.

"Give it a try," whispered the Heart.

I've spent the last week in a bit of an emotional upheaval. I called my Grandma on Wednesday evening to chat, only to find out that my Grandfather's health had taken a turn for the worse. Grandpa's cancer was back with a vengeance and his oncologist told the family there was nothing more Grandpa could do but to go home "and wait." Instead of blindly accepting a death sentence, the whole family went into "Get 'er Done" mode. This past Friday, after a squeezed-in appointment with a world-renowned cancer doctor twelve and half hours away from my Grandparent's home, Grandpa was given a new medical regimen with a 70% success rate! While Grandpa is not yet out of the woods, it is incredibly encouraging to learn that there is a viable treatment available!

Other than providing Grandpa with a fantastic medical treatment, the Doctor shared with us another secret to all of our health.

Be Optimistic.

It's that simple. In a 2004 Dutch study, almost one thousand 65 - 85 year olds were tested to determine their relative levels of optimism (vs. pessimism). Then these patients were tracked for ten years, in which time 397 of the 941 patients died. What is fascinating about the study is that the pessimists died at almost double the rate of the optimists! This study has been repeated several times, with similar results. Researchers are still unsure why optimists fare better in life, but it's a fact that optimists live longer lives.

Pessimists not only see the glass as half-empty, but also spend a lot of their time worrying about what bad thing is coming their way next, so they don't really even enjoy life when it is going well. Optimists, on the other hand, live happily through the good times, and remain uplifted during the tough times by believing that there is an answer or a way through their problems.

Here is proof positive that priming yourself to succeed is not only helpful for goal-setting, but may be life-saving!

So, what do you have to be happy about today? Leave us a note or a story in the comment section below.